To be honest, this feels kind of weird.  Not of course, unlike many things over the last two years, but writing on this blog feels weird because it’s been so long.  What was a project meant to connect with others, got lost in a time where connection, at least of the physical variety was frowned upon and even fearful.  On top of a pandemic, I graduated with a master’s degree (very much in thanks to my mentors for that), got my dream job, and moved to a different state.  In such a time as this when fear is prevalent, what better time to just really dig in and take a big risk?  If the fear already abounds why not pile on a little more and make some risky leaps and bounds?

That’s honestly, just how I operate.  I spend a ton of time thinking, dreaming, and making vague plans, but then it’s like one day this panic sets in and what I wanted to do becomes a necessity.  A means for survival.  My surgery and the subsequent year that followed were no different.  Every decision I made about college, the same.  Leaving a great company to pursue school counseling, right on par with this same pattern.  Good-fine-okay-unhappy-miserable-God, we’ve got to do something I can’t go on.  Then boom, action, and actual effort towards change.  A willingness to listen to DIvine direction so that I may end up at the correct destination.  Difficult at times?  Beyond.  Better than staying the same?  Absolutely.  

So where am I now compared to where I last left you?  I am in Florida.  I am alone at a coffee shop that overlooks a little inlet just off the gulf.  It is beautiful.  Too cold for the beach, but warm enough in the sun to sit outside with a cozy puffer jacket on and feel quite comfortable.  I am employed at a fantastic little school, where I have the privilege of knowing each of my students individually and where I am able to connect with them daily, a privilege for anyone familiar with the world of school counseling.  As for my weight, I am 35 pounds from my lowest and 50 pounds from where I’d really like to be.  Mentally, I have been nicer to myself and I have been at this long enough to know to do the work to get back to a kinder place in order for the health part to follow suit.  For me, and for most people, I believe that you don’t hate yourself into a healthy weight,  Hate is such a bitter emotion, it leaves you reaching for the slightest bit of relief, this is where cravings and caving in come into play.  With all these big changes, I’ve let a lot of that self-hate come back into my life, and therefore a few more calories than I would like to admit to have joined the pity party as well.  

Here’s the thing about moving somewhere new, no matter how pristine the beach, how cool the scene, starting over isn’t for sissies.  I left the cozy nest of a hometown that raised me and loved me and moved to a place where no one knew me.  Two things to bear in mind when moving to a beach town, it is fraught with people just passing through on vacation or locals that aren’t partial to move-ins.  In this little world, the people are transient or resistant and that means making friends and dating are a little complicated.  It will test your resilience and your confidence, and make you question whether all those people that loved you at home for you or if they had just developed a fondness out of familiarity.  A sort of smalltown Stockholm syndrome sans the kidnapping if you will.  I’m making headway though, I have friends from school and I’ve met others through my apartment and going out and slowly but surely a new community is still in the works, but I still love my hometown one, and luckily most of them vacation here so that’s an added benefit.

So amongst the global pandemic and major life changes, writing just took a back seat.  At times it felt inappropriate to discuss what seemed as trivial as a personal journey to lose weight as people suffered loss and incredible illness.  Then other times it just simply felt like something I wasn’t ready to do yet with all the other things going on.  See writing for me is highly emotional.  It’s a cathartic process that often requires me to be transparent about things that I just don’t always have the strength to examine yet, but here we are two years later, and I’m finally ready to dive back in again.  I am healthier when I write.  It helps me channel the excess energy all creatives have flowing through their veins.  It makes me feel connected and seen, and that as psychology will tell us, are two of the most valuable feelings we can share with other humans.  So with the new year, in the town where I began this blog as a vacationer, I am back writing this time as a citizen.  Weight loss is still going to be a part of this, because quite frankly it is a journey that will never be over for me, because well my blasted lack of genetic blessing in that department (not to discount the other areas of health I am very thankful for).  However, this is about more than that this time.  It’s about all the other things I want to write about too.  The good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty, the heavy, and the pretty heavy stuff.  Same blog, same writer, just some new trails to blaze as I get back in the writing saddle so you can all come along for the ride if you so choose. Love to you all.

XOXO,

Ash