For me, having sleeve gastrectomy, was no choice. As a life long dieter, I had read and heard tell of the infamous “moment”. You’ve heard the stories, “when I couldn’t ride the roller coaster with my kid”, “I was tired of shopping in the plus size department”, etc. they are in magazine articles, late night infomercials, and weight watchers meetings across the country. They are the traumatic events that result in a person making their mind up to finally lose the weight and to transform themselves into the healthy, happy person they once were or always had dreamed of being. Personally, I’d had moments akin to this; I couldn’t fit once in a ride at a fair in front of all of my friends in high school, I never could wear the Abercrombie and Hollister trend that ran rampant in middle school, the dating pool has always been shallow, and forget ever being able to wear bikinis on any spring break trips through high school or college. Still, these moments would leave me encouraged for a while, but eventually the will power would fade and the diet would fail. What little that was lost was quickly regained with more added on top. So I kept searching, I was searching for my moment when I would finally hit rock bottom, so that I could then rise like an impeccably thin, chiseled phoenix from the ashes. Then, one day it hit me, I was looking for that one powerful moment, but what I hadn’t realized, there was a lifetime of moments, and what is more powerful than realizing the many things in life you missed out on and the many things still yet to come that I might, simply because of weight? Sure I’d thought about weight loss surgery before, but each time I would let the voices of pride and shame take over:
“Why can’t you just do this yourself?”
“It’s just food”
“You’ve had a lifetime of fitness and nutrition coaching, you know how to be a healthy person, why can’t you just be one?”
My mind was constantly reeling with this inner bitter diatribe of disappointment, disgust, and defeat. Trust me it is as exhausting as it sounds, especially because most people who know and love me didn’t even know that was an issue for me, or at least to the extreme extent it was an issue for me. Those closest to me may have been slightly or even mostly aware for my closest friends, but almost everyone who I break down and finally let in enough to know are completely surprised:
“I never knew!”
“You always seem so happy!”
“You’ve just always carried yourself well!”
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve perfected the act, and I”m proud of being able to often go out in public with my head held high, no one being the wiser that hours before I’d hyperventilated at the thought of anyone having to see me. If I have learned anything, it is always more rewarding to play through the pain than withdrawing into seclusion and sadness, after all no one likes a wimp. What I started to notice though, was that my ability to carry on with life started to become tragically interrupted, my perfected act started to show some major cracks. Instead of occasional bouts of depression and anxiety about my appearance at big events, I didn’t even want to go to familiar places or be around beloved family and friends. Instead of challenging myself to get outside my comfort zone and do things anyways, I was choosing to retreat. The list of the reasons why are endless: guilt, horror, fear, but they all were tied to the the same thing, the weight. It weighed as heavily on my mind as it did on my bones and joints, and I knew I just couldn’t continue to live this way, because soon there would be no joy left in living at all.
Being the semi-rational person I say semi because let’s face it, we are all irrational at times, I knew I needed to find a solution. I examined previous failed attempts: the many fad diets, exercise regiments, projects centered around becoming healthier, and even a few close calls with becoming a cast member a couple of times for world renowned weight loss shows:
“Where did these things go right for me?”
“Where did they go wrong?”
“What could I do that would take from all that I had learned, and lead to success?”
For 2 years, I went back and forth, all the while knowing in my heart there was a solution, and what it was. Weight loss surgery, specifically sleeve gastrectomy, or the “gastric sleeve”, was the tool I needed. Two years, I worked, saved, and fretted over this surgery. I knew it wasn’t going to be a magical spell that transformed me into some Priyanka Chopra goddess of health and fitness over night. I knew it wasn’t even going to be something that worked at all, unless I was willing to commit, but what I did know was that it was a step in the right direction. I needed something that would push me over the edge so that I could at the very least start to descend in the right direction. Nothing had been set in stone until one day I finally began to talk to the One who knew all about the life long struggle. As I sat in church having one of the many mental conversations I have with the Lord on frequent basis, truthfully sometimes wondering all the while if he is even listening, something came over me, and it confirmed that He in fact was listening, and this time he was coming in loud and clear with answeres. I could go into all the things that He spoke to my heart, but suffice it to say, the man upstairs was giving me the thumbs up, that this was indeed the direction in which I needed to go. From there, things that had seemed difficult or troubled me about the surgery (financially, mentally, emotionally) all started clicking into place. The clouds aligned, the sun shined, and for the first time in a while hope crept in. Now bare in mind, I’m no saint, there were moments when my faith wavered, and I questioned many things, but those moments were swift, and my faith quickly restored. Looking back now, I realize that the pretty amazing thing about our Lord and Savior, is that he is constantly lobbying on our behalf, fighting Satan back when he seeks to use our weaknesses against us, and lifting the burden when it gets too heavy. For me this surgery was not a choice, it was a necessary part in God’s plan.
Being sleeved on 05/10/17, was the first step in a long and what will often times (like tonight after visiting the donut hole, watching your family pick out sweet treats without you) trying journey, but it is one that I truly believe in my heart I will never regret. I feel like I am being introduced to a new person, one who isn’t controlled by food, one who wants to go out and start experiencing the world again, and one who is starting to gain things that for so long were absent: hope and confidence.
It’s been a month, 30.5 lbs down, and I can still promise you that everyday I struggle. Confronting what oftentimes seems like an insurmountable amount of weight left to lose on a daily basis can leave you feeling defeated and far from where you want most to be. However, it is with a fabulous support system, a new inner strength that continues to grow daily, and faith that the journey I am on was laid down before me by my Master, there is no doubt in my mind that a new Ashley is on the horizon. She is healthy, she is happy, and she is here to share her story with others, whether it be the pretty things, the heavy things, or the pretty heavy things, so this is the first in what I hope to be many posts about this journey, and I hope you will share your journeys with me as well. For now, I’m signing off to enjoy my first night of vacation, but I look forward to sharing again with you all soon.
xoxo,
Ashley
Absolutely beautiful……I am so excited to watch your journey. You are amazing and I know your future will continue to be as well!! May God continue to bless you with happiness, health, and boldness. All our love!!!
Thank you Amy! Love you too!
Such a great read! From knowing you during my young childhood to drifting ways as we grew older you continue to be beautiful inside and out! I myself struggle with the scary term “weight” and I am told by many that I am perfect, however while I may be perfect to them I am not perfect within myself. I am very excited to continue to read this blog and watch your journey from the outside as I can only imagine the beautiful feeling you feel on the inside!
Thank you Kayla, it was so wonderful to hear from you! You were always a great friend, and I appreciate your continued support as I move forward with this new endeavor. Trust me there were years where I wouldn’t even say the word weight, however, being able to talk about it has been a significant move in the right direction for me!
This is really amazing, Ashley! You are so strong and beautiful, inside and out! I really miss you and hope everything else is going well!! ❤️
Thank you Allie, I miss you and hope all is well with you too.
You are so inspiring! I completely understand that internal dialogue, I do the same thing . I’m so proud of you for taking this big step.You are a beaitiful person inside and out ! You got this girl ! Love you !
Thank you Wendy, you are the one who is beautiful, I just love you and the girls so much!
Ashley you are an amazing young woman. An inspiration to all who know you! I’m so glad that I get to be a small part of your life. Love you!
Deb you are a major part of my life, and what a blessing you are! Love you and thank you!
Ashley, I’ve always thought you were beautiful inside and out! After reading this, I think you are even more beautiful! So excited for your new journey. You are so inspiring & I know you can do it!
Thank you Salone, love you, and hope you are enjoying that new baby!
You go, girl! It takes a heap of courage to put yourself out there and share your heart! You never know who needs to hear what you just shared. Keep listening to THE ONE who is guiding you because He will never steer you in the wrong direction. And be proud of where you are in your journey right now! I’m cheering for you!
Thank you Sandra! I truly appreciate the support. If only one person ever gets a little comfort from something I share here, it will be worth it! Definitely leaning on Big Love above for this!
You are strong! You will succeed!
Thank you Peige, love you!
Wow! Ashley! God is truly in control and I know without a doubt He will help you succeed. You have always been a ray of sunshine.
Thank you for sharing your story. Praying for you and this new and exciting journey.
Thank you Amanda, love you!
I am so proud of you for taking the leap. You are strong, beautiful, intelligent and let’s not forget witty. This lifestyle change is for the best in every realm and I will always be here for you on your journey. May your bravery, wisdom and courage influence others to make the decision they have battleing. And your words be the encouragement someone needs. Love you bunches Ash!
Love you Tbird, thank you for always being there for me! Can’t wait for all the adventures ahead for us!
Ashley,
I have faith that you can accomplish any goal you set your mind to including this weight loss and new lifestyle journey. Just never lose the beauty and light and passion that you have now. I’ll pray for you on this journey and I can’t wait to read your blog.
Love you, sweet girl!!
Tonya
Thank you Tonya, love you so much, you will always be so special to me!
I am so very proud of you Ashley. I too struggled with my weight when I was younger. I made the decision the summer before I started my Junior year to walk several miles a day until I lost the weight. I lost about 40 pounds in that summer and gained self-confidence and belief in myself. You can do this, I know you can. God will be there every step of the way. Love you my sweet girl!!!
Wow Robbin, I never knew! Thank you for sharing, and thank you for always loving me no matter what size I was! Love you so much!
Thank you for sharing! So inspirational!
Thank you Kristen!
Ashley you are a beautiful person, always have thought that!!! I know you can do this!!! Thank you for sharing and I look forward to watching your journey!!! You are a blessing to us all!!!
Thank you so much Leigh Ann!
I loved reading this, it feels like a lifetime since I have gotten to see you or your family. Your words was wonderful and so well spoken, the struggles you have faced and overcome, well I just want you to know your an inspiration to a lot of folks. I subscribed to continue on in this journey with you, I am excited to see how great you do, I want my husband to see as well, he struggles with a lot of what you said in your post, and I’m hoping and praying he will be inspired and uplifted by you and your journey. Prayers for you as you continue on, and I ask prayers for my husband as he battles with his weight as well. God Bless
Thank you so much Katasha! It has been forever, but what you just said is why I decided to share. Weight loss is hard, even with this fabulous new tool, there are things I struggle with. For me, it is just my thing, my weakness. I know this is not going to be a fast process, and that there will be few moments of instant gratification, but it is my process and it will lead me to a healthier place no matter how many days of grinding are ahead. There is a quote, when the pain of staying the same exceeds the pain of change, you will make a change. For me, my pain had become to great. I look forward to sharing with you as I fumble through this process to a better me, please share any tips you can, I know you have been on a fitness journey yourself!
You are such an inspiration Ashley! I just got the chance to read both of your posts, and I am in awe of your strength and poise! You are beautiful inside and out, and truly a light in this world! I know God is with you in this journey every step of the way and a constant rock to support you! I love you so much girly and I’m cheering you on to succeed in all your goals! And I’m so proud of you!! You’ve got this! 🙂