When it comes to believing in God, to a certain extent it requires believing in yourself.  You have to believe that He loves you enough to have a plan for you, and in the talents and blessings He bestows on you so that you will be willing to use them in order to carry out the plans He has for you.  For as long as I can remember I’ve believed in God, but myself? Not so much… Don’t get me wrong, occasionally I’ve stepped out on a ledge and done something unexpected, but for the most part I stay well within my comfort zone, especially over the last several years.  For me, as the number on the scale increased, so did my anxiety level and my desire to stick closely to the rules.  Personality wise though, this goes against my very nature, naturally speaking, I am more of a march to the beat of my own drum kind of girl, that was until the fear took over, and the weight equalled fear.  Each year that I couldn’t get the weight under control, I became more and more consumed with fear:

“Don’t do that, someone will make fun of you”

“You’re already a spectacle because of your size, you don’t need to draw any more attention to yourself”

“If you talk about it people will treat you differently”

So I became more withdrawn, and the parts of me that so desperately wanted to shine were shoved in a box only to occasionally be let out if I could dress them up with an appropriately timed laugh or in the presence of my closest friends and family.  I felt suffocated, all the while trying to suffocate something else, God’s plan for my life.  His plan was scary, and it required majorly stepping out of my comfort zone, and I like my comfort zone.  It’s safe here.  There are only people who love me here.  People don’t know what’s really going on with me here, but it’s also stifling here.  All I knew was that I had to break free of the comfort zone, before my comfort zone broke me.

So what was my next step?  I had the believing in God part down, but now I had to start believing in me, enter the gastric sleeve.  This operation wasn’t just about losing weight, it was about losing the fear and doubt that comes with being overweight.  It was about shedding pounds to protect my physical body from the stress it was under from all the excess weight it has been carrying throughout the years, my mental health from the excess of stress from the multi-faceted ways weight causes duress on the mind, and my spiritual growth because I could no longer allow the devil to use my weight as my Achilles’ heel keeping me from following his will.  Now here I am 40 pounds lost, and what have I found?  Hello again self, it’s, Ashley.  You may remember me from a long time ago, and it’s good to finally to see you again.  Hello, again God, it’s me Ashley, I’m ready to start listening, and not just listening but actually following through with the plans you have for me.  In the past few weeks the thing I have heard people say the most, is:

“You seem happier”

Truly, I am.  All these negative things that I let take over, I’m simply not anymore.  I’ve tasted the possibility of freedom from something that has so long been the source of restraint and repression, and I refuse to let that opportunity for freedom go.  With everything in me, I intend to fight for what I know is my purpose in this life, but that comes with a cost, and that cost is stepping out of my comfort zone.  In the last month, I’ve had to make decisions that before I would have never believed in myself enough to make, and they didn’t come without consequence.  Overwhelmingly, that consequence for me is fear, fear that I am disappointing people, fear that I am going to fail, fear that I am being selfish.  Forty pounds ago, I would have let the fear win, now I refuse to let it hold me back.  Without a doubt in my mind I know I have a purpose, that purpose is to pursue a healthy lifestyle, continue my education so that I can become a counselor to help others pursue their dreams, and to write this blog and share my story along the way.   It may seem like I have three purposes, but the three are so closely intertwined, that for me it might as well be one.

I titled this blog sleeving is believing, because if you had asked me this time last year, if I believed I would actually be pursuing my purpose, I would have told you no.  Without me knowing, God was working to put into place the right things and to put me into a place with the right people, so that I would gain the belief in myself enough to make the hard decisions that before I never would have made.  He aligned the stars of opportunity for me to be able to have the surgery, he put me in a place of work and life surrounded by people who nurtured and encouraged me, and he did not take the blessings and gifts he bestowed upon me away even when I refused to use them.  Even though I may have veered from the course (even now I take a detour occasionally) from where I believe God wanted me to be, I am beyond thankful, that through my belief in Him, and his belief in me, that he continued to protect me and place the things around me that have led me to this point.  Not every decision I have made recently has been easy, but they have been necessary, and chances are there will be more difficult decisions to come in the future, but I have believed in him thus far and will continue to farther still, and will continue to improve upon that belief by also believing in myself as well.

What I do know, is that I am thankful.  Thankful for those of you who read this, and continue to encourage me along my journey and to share my journey.  Thankful for a place of work where I have been given an opportunity to take the time I need to prioritize the things I need in order to help me pursue my goals.  Thankful for friends and family that continue to be the arms of support surrounding me, the kind words of encouragement I need to hear, and the eyes to see me clearly when I can’t always see myself.  Most of all, I am thankful for a Savior that loves me unconditionally, forgives me freely, and believes in me enough to continue to provide me with a purpose and a place in this world.  Remember as you go through this week friends:

If you are stuck in your comfort zone, break free, because I assure you, doing great things will always make you happier than letting your fear keep you in a place where great things do not reside.

I didn’t think I could break free, but sleeving is believing…

xoxo,

Ashley