Ok, not really, in fact as I type he is walking around looking for his next target of destruction…what can I say? I love a good bad boy and my dog is no exception. Going back to the title of this post, what I mean is that I’ve officially lost my dog’s worth of weight plus a little more. He weighs 52 pounds and I’ve lost just a little over that at 56. If you can’t tell by this picture we couldn’t be happier! I can barely hold him, so it is amazing to me that I was carrying around that much excess weight for so long, and I can’t tell you how much I look forward to losing the next 50+ that remains. I’m still having trouble seeing the results even though mathematically I know they are there but I can say I’m starting to feel them, and it is a very good feeling. Daily walks are becoming less and less of a chore. There are times when I can walk up stairs and hills without having to catch my breath at the top. Most of all though, I just feel better. Sometimes you can’t explain it, but this time I can. Literally 56 pounds of weight have been lifted off my shoulders and the lighter burden has left me feeling a freedom I haven’t felt in years.

For the first time in a long time, I am doing things again: planning fun outings with friends, setting challenging goals, and taking big risks. I had stopped for so long. Just stopped everything. The only thing I did successfully was creating a hermit-style life fueled by seclusion and surrounded by safe things. It was boring, it was comfortable, and it was transforming me into someone I didn’t recognize. I’m not back to who I was entirely, or close to who I want to be yet, but for the first time in a long time I catch a glimpse of her, and I can’t wait to meet her, to clearly see her, to be her. The inkling I catch of her from time to time now is what keeps me going, and for now I’m just trying to enjoy the journey along the way to becoming her.

Speaking of the dog, it is time I Game him some credit where his credit is due, he came along at the peak of what I like to call “the dark days” (the time before I decided to have my surgery where I weighed the most and felt my worst). A little back story on Augustus Brady (aka “Gus”), the aforementioned golden doodle, he was a Christmas surprise from my parents for me and my nephew. We had been aggressively campaigning for him for several years and once Mom/Nona was on board, Dad/Papa T reluctantly gave in and followed suit. Now, it’s no secret that had I embarked on this endeavor to bring my parents over to #teamGoldendoodle alone, Gus would still be a glimmering dream in my mind’s eye, but once I got the chosen child involved (my nephew), the dream became a reality. I guess you can say I learned a thing or two about successful campaigns from Olivia Pope and I know that you just need to recruit the right players to build support for your cause. What can I say?

Getting Gus made me realize some less than pleasant things about myself. I’m selfish, with my time, my energy, my money, doesn’t matter, I just had me, and I was spoiled. Gus came along and now I don’t have the luxury on spending those things on myself, they are spent on him and now he is spoiled.

I was not forgiving. One of my many talents is the exorbitant amount of time I can spend holding a grudge. I’m rather excellent at it. Then Gus came along, and there is nothing like the mad that something that you love and give so much to that you can make you feel when that thing just insists on constantly getting into, tearing up, and wreaking havoc on anything and everything, but as mad as he can make me, he also taught me that I can forgive quickly and easily. I can go from cussing and fussing to hugging and holding him in two seconds flat. It’s a real roller coaster.

More than both those two things, I had become a blank person. I mean don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I had no good moments, but even the good moments felt forced because I was just lacking light and love in my heart, blocked out by the misery and bitterness from the limitations of being overweight. I had built up some pretty high walls because quite frankly being empty had become easier than the effort it took to enjoy things. They say it takes more muscles to frown then to smile, but it didn’t seem to take any effort to just be expressionless. So I carried on day to day only acting happy at the appropriate times, but just not feeling much of anything at all, and if I was feeling, it usually wasn’t good. Gus came along though, and you guessed it, changed that too. Dogs can be crazy, difficult, and just a down right pain in the ?, but they also bring you so much joy. There’s something about their unconditional love and their utter dependence on you that is just downright endearing. I get made fun of for saying this all the time because it makes me sound like I’m slightly unstable, but sometimes I just look at him and cry because I love him so much. Now don’t get me wrong, this is not my way of trying to back peddle and sound like less of a crazy dog Mom, because I own it. I am, but the reason I love him so much is because all of these things that Gus has changed in me which were critical to losing this weight.

You see I could no longer be selfish. I had to learn to give my time, energy, and money over to bettering my health. Luckily, Gus gets to enjoy the benefits of this newfound dedication to my health by getting to eat the scraps during meal prep and the fact that we take more walks these days.

I had to learn to be forgiving. This was perhaps the biggest thing. In order to be healthy, you have to learn to forgive yourself. In previous attempts to lose weight, if I didn’t adhere 100% to my meal and exercise plan it meant that I had failed. It was a blow that I felt I couldn’t recover from and I punished myself by quitting. The disappointment of that one slip was enough to totally derail my pursuit. When I look back at every single diet I’ve done, the point where it all went wrong, is the point where I got mad at myself and quit. I would hold such a grudge towards my own self that I would convince myself I was unworthy of improving my health:

“You can’t control yourself, you don’t deserve this, just face it, this is never going to happen for you.”

It is a harsh way to live to think that one ice cream or trip through a drive thru will determine the course of your life. Harsh, dramatic, ludicrous, and if you ask me totally unacceptable. If practice makes perfect, then my quarter-hourly practice of forgiving Gus for one of his many transgressions (we have nicknamed him Pablo Escobar if that gives you any idea), then I am slowly but surely perfecting the art of forgiveness and I’ve seen it’s benefits on my health. I have changed in many ways but I am still no Patron Saint of Clean Eating and Regular Exercise. To be honest, I may never be even though I am getting much better, but what I don’t do is punish myself for being human. I like ice cream, and occasionally I will have some, and I’m not talking about the protein packed Halo variety, because as good as it is (and p.s. it is good I recommend it if you haven’t tried it, especially peanut butter cup and cake batter), but it is still no Dairy Queen cookie dough blizzard. So while most of the time I make a good choice, if I don’t, I’m forgiven and I just try to do better. Visually, I used to view my health pursuits like I was walking on one of those frozen lakes and any misstep or mistake would cause the ground beneath me to crack, and the dark water beneath was like the weight just waiting to swallow me whole. Now I see my journey towards health as a stroll on a winding but sturdy road, and my mistakes and missteps are just a little bump along the way, but they no longer mean that I’m going to change my direction or end my pursuit. I just shrug them off and keep trucking.

Finally, my joy is back. Not because of Gus, but he most certainly adds to it. We have a dear friend who says that she makes a conscious effort everyday to wake up and be joyful. I have to admit, I’m not there yet, but I do make more of an effort to be joyous about something every day, several times a day. Gus makes that part easy because he’s hilarious and one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. Ironically when my Grinchy heart grew 3 sizes, I started shrinking in size. Apparently when you fill the emptiness with joy rather than food, it leads to better health. Pretty days, healthy new recipes, and small successes like stepping on a scale and losing or adding up the inches lost, oh and of course Gus.

I’m not saying Gus is the reason I’ve lost 56 pounds, but he was a big help. All those things that he’s changed in me, have been positive changes that have helped me along this journey, and for that I love him so much. Not that anyone who’s spent time with me in the last few months since we got him didn’t already know that. I will leave you guys with my favorite picture of him before I go: