Ten days since I last went and walked…ten days since I started admitting to myself that some of the bad habits were coming back… ten days of choosing to ignore the bellowing signs of warning that historically have been the ten days that turned into months and years of erasing the efforts and strides made during the successful time that preceded it. However, I stepped on the scale this morning and something clicked into place. I am also only 10 pounds away from being the smallest I’ve been in ten years. Now, my small, in comparison to others is not, in fact, small by any means, but if comparison is the thief of joy like Teddy Roosevelt warned, I will put that thought away with the other negative thoughts I’ve found myself thinking the last ten days and celebrate my success by my means, because that is how you truly succeed is by your own means.
Don’t get me wrong, it would be an outright injustice to discredit the help I have received along the way, because it has been absolutely immense, astounding, and nothing short of a blessing, but despite my gratitude one major change that has occurred about this process is my attitude about who this journey belongs to, who this failure belongs to, and who this success belongs to and make no ifs, ands, or buts about it. IT. IS. MINE. Support makes it easier to lace up your shoes, to not take the extra bite, and to think of yourself as someone who doesn’t have to remain who she is, but it doesn’t make you lace up your shoes, not take the extra bite, think of the person you can be…I do that. You do that. Thoughts and actions are not a collective effort in this journey, it is a singular choice one after another. Simply made easier by the many positive tools you arm yourself with to help make the process less difficult. The tools are the bullet points on the positive side of your pros and cons list that if you have enough of will be a beneficial factor towards tipping your decision scale in a corresponding consistently more positive direction. However, you are still the one that is reviewing the list and making the final judgment call, some of my bullet points:
Love (both tough and unconditional) from your tribe
Killer playlists to drown out the monotony of all the miles ahead
Education on new recipes, exercises, and practices to fuel your body and shape it in new and challenging ways
And while I am grateful for these bullet points that often help me make my decisions, at the end of the day I am the one who chooses. Ten days I mad bad choices. Not all of them, some of them were good. Enough of them luckily, that I managed to knock off a couple of pounds bringing my total loss to 72, but it isn’t always about that. It is knowing that losing weight doesn’t always mean success in this journey. This isn’t just about the total weight lost it is about a healthy life gained. Not pushing your body, not putting the right food into it, and polluting your mind with negative thoughts and feelings, those things do not a healthy life make. Life will happen. I could name you a laundry list of excuses I’ve used this week to try and justify the poor judgment I let rule over the last ten days:
Mom was in and out of the hospital
Gus has been sick
Big life decisions are looming and it is coming down to the wire of having to take action
Those are just excuses, it is all that they are, and I chose this week to let them be something more. I let them be roadblocks slowing my progress along this path, and I let them be a crutch to eat things that I shouldn’t and not do the exercises and take the walks that I should. I know not every day will be perfect, but what I choose is that my inability to obtain perfection will not keep me from striving towards it. I wrote a poem after I got back from my first walk in ten days this morning, and I don’t write poems, so if any of my former literature teachers are reading this please don’t be horrified by its lack of structure and the many other errors along the way, but it just kind of came out of me so I decided to put it out there with you all because it is the closest representation of how I feel and that is why I’m here is to just put it all out there, so here it goes:
Things will always happen. Life will always get in the way. Excuses, if you let them, will keep success at bay. Ten days I chose to not give it my all and all. Ten pounds until I’ve seen a number I haven’t seen in ten years be so small. If you let fear it will prevail. If you let them, excuses will lead you to fail. I’ve seen this path and walked it before, but this time is different I choose that path no more. I will choose to move forward with each achy step. I will choose to get healthier with each meal I prep. I will not give up but rather choose to continue to become stronger each day one by one. I will continue this journey and accept that it is a process that is never truly done. I will resign myself to be better in each and every way. I will continue to dig deeper and push further each and every day. There will be times I will fail and fall throughout this journey ahead, but I will not give up but choose to strive towards triumph instead. For each little victory takes me closer to my goal, and each bad choice I make takes a heavy toll. So, I will do my best to do more good than bad, and work towards the healthy life that I’ve never had. Health is not a guarantee it is a blessing in this life, and I will do my best to treasure it nurture it, and let it thrive. But it is a choice, make no mistake, and health is a choice I will continue to choose to make.
Suffice it to say, there will be pros and cons along the way to propel you towards and keep you from making the choices necessary for a healthier life, and while I want you to surround yourself with as many things and people to help make those decisions easier, it still comes down to you, so I’m challenging myself and I am challenging you all to make the choices that will make you a better, healthier you, because only you can make them, no one else can or will.
