With a major milestone in sight, I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. To eat exactly what I was supposed to, to work out a certain number of times a week, to avoid eating out. When you’re undergoing a major weight loss journey it can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I think all the fat and negative thoughts hide it, but as you slowly begin to chip away at that barricade, little rays start to shine through. Once you see one ray, it gets easy to desperately claw, scratch, and dig so you can see the whole blinding spectrum. However, desperation is not a good look. Not in relationships. Not in diets. Desperation can dangerously dive into disordered territory.

In preparation for a big wedding recently, I toed the line with reckless abandon. No eating out, eating strictly meal prepped food, drinking cleanse water, and self tanning my self into Trump-toned oblivion. Even my Dad walked by one day and noted that “the best you is just you kid”…but, when you’re on this train it’s hard to get off the track of mind that tells you you’re incomplete and therefore not enough. Not doing enough. Not losing enough. Not healthy enough. Not thin enough. Not teeth white enough. Not tan enough. Not enough.

I’ve got a two month sprint before Summer really kicks off and multiple weddings and showers with old friends sprinkled throughout, and the nagging fear that I will make an appearance after sharing all this, only for people to be disappointed in me is real. Why? Because I truly believe in my heart and soul they won’t think it’s enough. All my hard work. All my efforts. All the weight gone. Not enough. A let down. A disappointment. The film adaptation of a beloved book. All because I’m not there yet. Not at goal. Still 50 pounds away from where I want to be. Still not enough.

In an effort to remedy this extremist thought pattern I attempted to take a “guilt free week”. Not a full blown Rumshpringa from my healthy lifestyle, just an attempt to restore a semblance of balance. Five pounds plus later, I’m left unsure that moderation is possible. At least at this stage in the game. Maybe in the maintenance stage I will be able to toe the line precariously once in a while, and jump right back into place, but right now it’s a no go. Right now I need to desperately cling to the rules, the regulation, the regimen. Because desperation is not a good look, but it’s better than backpedaling slowly towards the person I was before.

With that being said, I am working on the not enough mentality. On enjoying who I am throughout this journey, for all the progress and transformation, without sole focus on the finished product. It’s easy to forget that the person doesn’t lie beyond the light at the end of the tunnel…the person is in the tunnel progressing towards the things the light represents: improved health, completion of a lifelong goal, more athletic ability, non-plus sized clothing. Those things don’t make a person, but they are components of the life of the person I want to become, and truthfully it’s easy to confuse the two.

So while a little vacation was nice while it lasted, I’m excited to return to strict adherence, because rest moved me farther away from my goals, and that’s just not something I’m interested in right now. I’m approaching a major goal, one that I hope to meet before June 1st, and rest isn’t going to get me there. Work will. So the old adage may be there ain’t no rest for the wicked, but I would like to add an addendum that nor is there rest for those on a weight loss journey.

Xoxo,

Ashley