So the title of this blog probably only makes sense if you’ve seen 13 going on 30, but if you haven’t the main character in her naive, angsty-age of 13 wishes to be 30 so she can be all the things she thinks 30-year-olds are, which in her book apparently means flirty and thriving.  So she chants this over and over and wishes with all of her heart, and bam, she turns into a 30-year-old, who is flirty and thriving, but shocker she finds out adulthood isn’t all it is cracked up to be…  Well, unlike this character, I’ve worked, wished, and waited and now that I’ve hit 130 (technically, 132, but it wouldn’t have worked with the blog 😉 ) I can say it is, in fact, all it is cracked up to be.

While I am not flirty because my flirting is somewhere between Chandler Bing and Amy Poehler’s character in Sisters, I do feel as if I am thriving. I am 7 pounds away from hitting one of the most major goals I set for myself on this journey, I feel better physically and mentally, and let’s face, I look better.  I mean I am buying things in just size L, no extra…I’ve been extra or extra extra for as long as I can remember, but now I will just have to save the extra for my personality because physically it is no longer necessary.

Weight loss stalls out and stops, and I have experienced my fair share of that along the way, particularly throughout April and May, but June and the beginning of July have provided a much-needed turnaround and I’m back on the loser’s bench.  It’s back to meal prepping, less eating out, and more working out.  Honestly, it is just what has to happen in my life for me to lose weight.  Yes, that often means less social outings, which also is a hit to the flirting part, but for me, right now, thriving means hitting my weight loss and academic goals and there is nothing wrong with that so flirting and dating may just have to wait or occur on a very limited basis. Weight loss is an incredible thing, but it is one that takes work and dedication and often requires choices be made that are more practical than fun.

The other day I heard someone say, it is easier just to be fat (and keep in mind they meant fat like really and truly life-altering heavy the way I was this time last year), but no it isn’t.

It isn’t easier having to scour for hours for decent looking clothes in the small sections tucked away in the back corners of department stores that carry extended sizes.

It isn’t easier to have to very publicly sit out of a fun company activity for being too heavy.  (even though they were sweet and supportive it was still mortifying)

It isn’t easier to fear not being able to fly and visit your best friend in her new city because you might not fit in the seat or you might be heard asking for a seatbelt extender on the airplane.

I’ve been ushered off fair rides in front of high school friends, broken out into hives from the stress of not being able to find a pretty outfit for a big event, and I have a permanent scar on my leg from ripping it open by falling through a pool ladder because I was too heavy for it.

I’ve been ignored, passed over, and made fun of at more than one party or public place for being the “fat friend”.

It isn’t easier, but it is sadder, more frustrating, and more limiting.

My life now is filled with dietary limitations, but that is nothing compared to just a few of the things I named above that I experienced.  Not having to relive those experiences or not having to fear the possibility of similar ones occurring again is worth every food I choose to abstain from, worth every drop of sweat, and every sore muscle.  Making good choices is hard, and I often fail to make as many as I should, but as difficult as not indulging most of the time is and as much as I hate working out.  It is more difficult and I hate being morbidly obese more.  If I could give anyone who has struggled with their weight one gift, it would be to have one day to see and feel what it is like to no longer carry an excess of it around on your body.

There is a certain point where your steps truly do become lighter and each movement less labored, and getting there is incredibly hard, but when you do, once you see those results, the journey becomes much easier to continue.

It is what keeps me going and it what makes me want to help others who are walking the same road.  Keep going.  Keep saying no to the bad.  Keep saying yes to the good.  It is easier on this side.  I am not done, but I am closer to who I want to be than to who I was, and I would not change it.  I would not go back and eat a year’s worth of cake, ice cream, pasta, or fast food.  You only miss those things for a short time.  They are easily forgotten, but shame, embarrassment, and disappointment…those things stick with you.  Those things I still carry.  I am making peace with them, slowly but surely, but they are still there.  Moments in time that have in many ways caused me to have a poorer definition of myself.  Led me to not always make the best decisions, have the best standards, or allow minimum treatment of myself by myself or by others.  Not having to confront these moments has led to an increase in confidence, pride, and standards.  Three things I highly recommend.

My weight did not define me, but it in many ways it created a life for me because of its effects that I didn’t want to be living.  I am not fat shaming, but I am saying it is a shame to stay fat if you don’t have to.  That’s the honest truth.  Life is different when you are no longer morbidly obese, and it is better.  I just want those struggling to hear the not politically correct, ugly truth. With every pound I lose it gets better, and it makes it all the more worth it.  It is hard, but it is harder to stay unhealthy.  I’m still in the fight, and I’ve got 40 pounds to go before I am where I want to be, but once you’ve lost 130, what’s 40 more?  As Nike would say, just do it, because it isn’t easier to not do it.

I am down 130 and feeling more flirty (or at least allowing myself to consider the possibility) and thriving, and for all the things I have had to do to get here, stay here, and continue to have to do to get where I want to be… it is easier than being who I was.  I promise.